OWNING MY STORY

I put on this damn cover, but my gosh…my emotions are heavy and powerful. Today has already been so difficult. This disease SUCKS. Recovery is hard. It is the hardest thing ever. 

There is so much pain that envelops me just writing this blog. However, I have to meet myself where I am at, accepting that today, this is how I feel. If I want to help women and men embrace their stories, I must continue to walk with mine as well. 

Recovery is not just a day thing. Just because one day or one moment I look “fine” and put together, inside it is not that pretty. Trust me this does not just magically vanish. It comes and goes in waves, and the waters get high and strong. The unbearable shame is like a tide, going in and out, stronger and weaker at unexpected times. Yet, as Psalms 18:16 proclaims, “He reached down from Heaven and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” 

My brain is wired for everything to be perfect. I can’t just let go and write. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and break down. Sitting in the silence is hard. I feel like a failure sitting still. I have always been used to constant movement. From school, to dance, to homework, to family, to friends. I never found time and comfort in taking care of me. And now—it is so extremely hard to accept and come to the realization that I am healing and doing something very powerful for myself. In a world that always says to put others first, to be selfless, to help those before you help yourself; I’ve molded myself into someone who SHOULD NEVER EVER take time for ME. Because, doing that means I am “self-centered”. But that has allowed suffering to burrow deep into my heart. It’s hard to cleanse yourself of something you’ve written on the walls of your mind with permanent marker. So yes, even trying to relax comes nothing close to relaxation. My brain races. Negative thoughts rip at me, forcing uncontrollable streams of tears and a fire burning fury. Moments of pure happiness are sparse. 

I thought I would be better by now. But I am nowhere close. My emotions are scattered and shifting. Some days just feel out of my reach and control. I often wonder HOW? How I can learn to love and embrace my story? How can I love myself after this? How can I follow my passion and be stable? How can I do anything? Is “Anything is Possible” really true? Where and how do I find God? How do I meet Him when I feel like I’m drowning? How do I allow myself to listen to the words I give to so many others? How can I ever be inspiring or successful? 

So, I have to start owning my story. It is time for me to. And in all honesty I don’t know where to begin, but running from who I am is torturing me. 

I challenge you today, to walk along with me to owning your story. 

xox,

j