ONTO A NEW GRIND

WOW!

It has been a chaotic and exciting filled month since I started my blog. Let’s just catch up over a cup of whatever your heart desires. Today, mine is just a big cup of iced tea with fresh lemon… because yum. 

After a beautiful 4 years of highs and lows I proudly and overflowing with joy received my High School diploma at Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Morrison, Colorado. A brutal May snow storm put spring into an abrupt halt, but with the endless hope for warm weather, the weekend after graduation was stunning. My graduation party was beyond what I imagined. I enjoyed putting it all together, and with the help of my wonderful family, it turned out 100x better. I was speechless to see so much family and friends join our celebration! FINALLY DONE WITH ALL THE SUPERFICIAL HIGH SCHOOL CRAPPOLLA. 

With these doors finally closing, my heart is torn between praise and fear. Of course there is excitement as my life begins, yet, fear of the unknown is sitting at my front door. I am so beyond ready to take each day as it comes, learning more about God’s purpose and plan for me, and most importantly, continue building a strong love for myself and this world. 

Summer is here and the number one priority I have is not to be tan, not to have a bikini body, not to make it to every party, not to have the most likes on my newest Instagram post, not to have the “fattest” pay check, yet that’d be nice; however, it is to heal my damaged body and mind. To take time to rise from the ashes that lie scattered on the ground. As so many have reminded me, I did not audition for this life, nor did I wish for these circumstances. I was not immune to whatever came tumbling my way. I merely am blessed with every sunrise and sunset, whether goodness or hardships follow. I have been reminded that my struggles are not to be compared to the magnitude of others, we all struggle, and our sympathy and support deserves to be equal. I am also reminded that God does not promise easy. He never promised that there would not be hardships, however He did promise to stand along with us. He promised that we will never be alone, that we are strong enough to fight and walk through these battles; not around or above them. There is peace and light. Yet, I tend to always wonder where the peace really is. If God is mighty, and can do all things, and has the dang power to heal, why am I still falling deeper into this black hole of an eating disorder. Someday soon I hope I will see the good in all of this despair.  

So frankly, my recovery and eating disorder is (insert your own word). I have many extravagant, yet honest words to describe the evil mind disease and exhausting, life draining recovery, but I am not giving it the time of my day. I am sure you can come up with a pretty good idea. I have days where giving up seems like the best option. I lose sight of all hope and love that envelopes me, giving my eating disorder the ability to grasp firmly onto the thought of “unworthy”, “impossible”, “burden”. Man do I feel like a total SCREW UP. But deep down, buried beneath the moldy and poisonous dirt, my spark of hope has enough fire to keep me moving. 

xox,

j