TAKIN' A SHOT

HEY THERE

This is it. I decided to take a shot at starting a website. Something I always dreamed of doing. So long I was afraid of what someone would think, but now… THIS IS ME. A CUP OF J. I wanted to first lay down where I am right now. My life is entangled in a huge knot. However, I am challenged each day to embrace life as it comes. Sooo…

Here I am. Not exactly a survivor yet; instead, a victim in this life threatening war. I have finally found the courage to share a fragile part of me that I have been ashamed of for so long. Through this battle, I’ve learned that vulnerability is not something to run away from. Society has shamed vulnerability; social media has created a platform we foolishly follow. But I’m here, as living proof that showing up takes courage and strength. I am showing up, the beautiful chaotic mess I am. Yet that’s what life is about. Perfection is fleeting. I am no longer hiding behind a façade. I am putting my armor down. I will no longer follow the rules society has programmed and marked on us all. This is me. And here is my raw, unfinished story. 

Eight months ago I was diagnosed with a severe eating disorder. I was so astounded because I’ve always grown up extremely healthy and athletic. However, this is a mind disease that is not accepted nor understood by most people. A disease that latches onto the strongest and bravest, the most beautiful and intelligent people. A battle that overrides all logic, rips life apart, and attempts to seize all dreams and possibilities. I have become a slave to the lies society programs us all to believe. A slave to thoughts and images the eating disorder blinds me with. This is a path most will never encounter, or choose to face. 

Every day is a battle, a new war. Many left; blind to the pain I was enduring. I was alone. And, alone I continue to fight a battle that seems impossible to overcome. Every second excruciating, shameful thoughts gnaw at me, intensifying as I try to eat the foods I once loved, the foods my body is so strongly deprived of. I never thought a single breath could be so vital, that my pure existence is at risk. Seeing the sunrise once again is a miracle, as my body is slowly shutting down. Living another day is not something to take for granted. My illness is slowly killing me. 

So many get caught up trying to put a face on anorexia, a face on any eating disorder. But really, the internal struggle is more powerful than the external. Society has glamorized the “perfect body”. We define a new perfect every day. We’re stuck believing that “perfection” will bring satisfaction and security, while it is this very standard that is setting the world to flames. This lifestyle destroys happiness, hope, freedom, grace, peace. The lies and rules we give power to eat us alive.

I no longer want to be a part of this trend, where we mask ourselves with what we think is perfection. I want to live a life as ME. Beautifully imperfect and authentic. I am a masterpiece, abundantly composed of different stories, many layers, and a wealth of realness. I want to change the story. Where we embrace our flaws, where individuality is accepted, where sorrow and happiness braid together into an unbreakable vine. Simply, just me. 

xox,

j