A MATURING HEART

My heart has been heavy. Conversely, it is filled with emptiness. This dark, hollow pit. I find myself pondering ideas about love as I walk along this journey. From singleness, loving yourself first, exhaustion from forcing and chasing what is not meant for me, and so much more. I want to share my perspective and my personal experiences on a few topics that revolve around love and relationships. 

Being single has its ups and downs. Truly, it is hard not to fantasize having a “perfect” relationship one day, especially when you feel like everyone has a significant other. It can be easy to find yourself feeling like a “loner”. I get it. Recently, my best friend shared an amazing perspective on singleness. It eased my eager heart and brought peace to my worries. She mentioned how the Lord is using this moment of “aloneness” to prepare my heart for the one that I am ultimately meant to live my life with. If you are in this season too, I challenge us to bring new light into this moment. We must change the narrative we are telling ourselves. As your heart learns to rest and patiently wait, it is growing and maturing. It is teaching and strengthening you so when it is your time according to God’s plan, you will be ready to begin your next chapter with a significant other alongside you. Being single I often dig myself into a hole of thinking I’ll be alone forever. Will I ever find my person? Will I ever be loved the way I know I deserve to be? With this fear, any slight idea that a guy might be interested in me I attach myself so quickly. I create this fantasy and try to make it work. Yet, in the last several weeks I’ve come to understand that my person will come to me when it is the right time. I don’t need a half assed effort. I won’t even have to question if I’m enough. 

Going off of singleness, there has always been this saying that you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else. I never believed or understood this until about a few months ago. It just clicked for me. I understood how important it is to create a strong love for yourself. I began to realize that if I accepted and loved my whole being I could authentically and fully show up for MY person. I am still learning how to love myself and I can see that it is allowing myself to show up in ways I thought I never could. Get comfortable with being with yourself. Each and everyday I am learning more about who I am. As I become more familiar with my heart and soul, my confidence significantly rises. When you love who you are, you won’t be dependent on a boy or girl for happiness and worthiness. 

In the past I’ve experienced a lot of conversations, compliments, and hyper focus on my body and appearance. I grew up dancing on the stage in front of thousands of people. I loved it; however, as I’ve matured and reflected, I can see where my identity and worth lied in what I looked like. When I entered high school, I began to notice how my body and appearance attracted boys to me. This is not to say that I believed I was so beautiful and I am not putting myself on a pedestal. I am just stating my lived experience. As this continued I couldn’t help but not feel the pressure of having to “look perfect” in order to be worthy of a friendship and relationship. This perceived idea of my identity became a huge focus of mine. And no, this is not about vanity. The weight of this just pulled me into the dark and an insecure place. It affected the way I carried myself, especially in my relationships. I grew into needing to have validation, praise, and approval. I was so caught up in the thoughts of, “Does he think I’m enough?”, “Can he tell I’m bloated?”, “Are my legs too big?”, “My stomach is not flat enough.”, “I’m bigger than him.”, and so much more. I’ve come to realize that the person you’re meant to be with does not love you based on your body size and appearance. As cliché as this may sound, it’s your heart that matters. People are drawn to your energy. Girls and boys, I challenge you to give compliments that are not directed towards one’s body or looks. There is more to a person than just the home in which they reside. When someone feels like all they’re getting is praise for their body they believe that that is one of the biggest things that make them worthy. And this can be so dangerous.

I have a huge heart. I see the good in everyone. I innocently and naively believe and trust every word a boy says to me. And sometimes this leads to major heart break. Like I stated earlier, I sometimes hold on to this idea of someone; therefore, I put in so much energy to try and make it work. I end up feeling worthless when they ghost me, when they stop seeming interested, or when I realize it was nothing but a game to them. To anyone who has gone through this, know that there is nothing that you could’ve done for them to have changed their mind. If he/she wanted to talk to you, hangout with you, get to know you, check in on you, HE/SHE WOULD. Have trust in the fact that you dodged a terrible bullet and they do not deserve you one bit. It fucking hurts when you think that he could be “THE ONE” and in an instant he shows you the side you never wanted to see. Sometimes when this happens you want to send the nastiest message; however, don’t give him/her that power and satisfaction. He/she deserves no more of your time. Maybe down the road he/she decides to reach out to you again… Don’t fall for it. If he/she was able to turn his/her back on you then, he/she could do it again. When you find your person. YOU. WON’T. HAVE. TO. QUESTION. IT.