Gracefully Let Go
As I sat in my usual “spot” on the leather couch, I didn’t realize that a simple question in my therapy session would follow me weeks past. That it would ignite an inspiration inside me to write this piece, a potential series, or the backbone, purpose, and anchor in why I write here; whether it’s just for me or for you who’s reading this, may you know that the light within you will always be free to shine. May you give yourself the permission to be you, all of you, gracefully accepting where you are today and who you are becoming.
“What does it look like to you – to be confident in who you are?”
I could’ve just scratched the surface and said,
“To walk in a room with my head held high, to be outgoing and speak with conviction, to feel strong and capable, to have faith in my abilities, to look in the mirror and not despise what I see, to not rip myself apart with the knives of my own words.”
All of it stemming from this desire to feel enough, seen, validated – to mask this deep-rooted fear of abandonment and rejection. But my soul and heart had a different response. A realization that I believe could free not just myself, but anyone, who strives for perfection and simply has a harsh criticism towards themselves.
“I don’t think it’s confidence. I don’t think that is what we are truly striving for. Confidence to me is a cumulation of band aid fixes, finding worth and identity in fleeting and unsatisfying material things. Perhaps “confidence” is portrayed when we finally have authentic acceptance for where we are today.”
Acceptance is liberating. I can feel it in my bones. However, by no means am I there yet myself. I would be lying if I said I have accepted myself. Today, it is still a great battle. But, maybe writing this will hold me accountable. It will be the seed in which I learn and practice what accepting myself really means.
Truthfully, most days are filled with moments where I pick myself apart, never celebrating where I have been and am, constantly unsatisfied with my performance in life, feeling like a failure, disappointment, blah. I fall victim to the ideas I made up about myself. I am the only one saying and believing these things. I am the ONE completely destroying myself. And for how much longer am I going to just let my OWN brain dim my light.
So, where do I begin? That is the other battle and the “answer” is probably the most frustrating part. There is no answer. There is no blueprint, guide, laid out instruction on confidence and self-acceptance. As someone who thrives on structure, following a list, sticking firm to the guidelines, I am on a persistent quest for the “perfect and right approach”, which often leaves me frozen and in even more disapproval.
However, maybe the start is as simple as letting go, releasing the clenched fists, loosening your grip, rolling your shoulders back, and taking a deep breath. Just be.
The challenge I have for not just myself, but you, is to take moments of stillness, daily, to loosen the grip on these expectations. You and I deserve all the grace we can give ourselves; we try with each day and that is enough! This week is a fresh start, a chance to realize you can start now, as you are, to accept and love yourself wholeheartedly. Let today be the day you give yourself the soft and graceful permission to be. Let go of an expectation only you hold for yourself, and know that that release will free you, not punish you. You will be okay. You deserve to be free from the chains your thoughts place you in.
Once again,
May you know that the light within you will always be free to shine. May you give yourself the permission to be you, all of you, gracefully accepting where you are today and who you are becoming.
All my love and light.
Xo, J