BELLY OF THE BEAST

I walk straight into the eye of the storm with no idea of what will come. I place my trust and hope in the hands of the unknown. For someone who longs for control, surrendering seems horrendous; absolutely batshit crazy. Trusting my intuition, my body, my team, my dreams and hopes all seem so foreign. Like what the heck is this? 

Being back at home the voice of anorexia blares louder and louder. The beast knows its way around here. 

“Don’t eat that”, “Do this”, “You are hideous, disgusting, out of control”, “You are a failure, a disgrace, a burden”

Just a miniscule fraction of the lies that seize my authentic self. These words choke back and stuff down the truth. It’s like treading water with the weight of the world pressing you down. It’s exhausting. We all go through battles and there is absolutely no measure for who has it worse. Suffering is suffering. PERIOD. 

But here is what is keeping me afloat. I can walk towards the unknown with fear and discomfort swarming around temporarily, or I can continue to just walk straight into the belly of the beast, anorexia, and suffer even longer. I know where following the demands of this illness takes me, and yet I still decide to drink the poison. I still take steps right into its mouth. Why? Because that’s all my brain has been used to for so long. 

I’ve been learning more and more about how brilliant our bodies and brains truly are. Our brains are programmed to observe and learn. They absorb all they are exposed to. If I continue to spend time in my negative thoughts and behaviors, I get stuck in those patterns. However, all of us have the potential and power to reprogram and train our brains to react, think, and behave differently. Every day and opportunity that I can, I repeat affirmations. Some days they feel true and others not. This thought redirection and reprogramming has made such a huge difference. The first few days I would rarely do it, but with repetition and exposure to positive affirmations and thoughts, I have more success with stating them. 

I encourage you to start talking kinder to yourself. Befriend your body. Your home. The vessel with which you live in. State positive affirmations even if they seem like total lies. Trust me, our brains are neuroplastic and can be taught to let go of bad habits. We can all start incorporating better ones. You are worthy. No more walking into the belly of the beast where it all seems comfortable. Break the cycle and let’s overcome our own DRAGONS. 

xox,

j