A NEW BUZZ

It’s been awhile. I decided to step away and disconnect from many things in my life, from connections and relationships to social media. 

I have been inundated with fear; debating if I risk it all and write what has been going on in my life. I fear that the people I am now meeting and those who are my friends will run away from the realness of my illness and struggle. However, I am showing up. I have found that writing is healing, and I am running towards the unknown abyss, full speed, one foot in front of the other.  

Unplugged from all social life, I had to keep all eyes on me and only me. Anorexia was engraving itself deeper and deeper into me. Today, I woke up having to face and slay this gruesome, mighty beast, and tomorrow I will have to do the same. I am still fighting. A fully recovered me is on the horizon, but still so far from reach. Yet, my eyes are locked and I AM TRYING. I had to intensify what I was doing. I increased my recovery plan and decided that intensive treatment was what I needed. The waves of recovery make it so much harder to stay afloat, to not drown in the suffering. There is no giving up in my blood, but this monster knows how to push me to my limit. I never thought that life could sink even lower, but I was proved otherwise. I have moments, like the past 4 days, where I feel utterly hopeless and overwhelmed. Rushes of uncontrollable despair and anxiety travel through my entire body, leaving me nothing but destructed. 

I am so thankful for the family and few friends that have been right next to me through these terrible times of my life. However, I’ve been able to realize that I need the support and help, that I have always given to others, in order to heal. I hope that I can continue to have the support from the strength of those around me… BECAUSE I know that we can all rise above all with the love from community and connection.

Every time I thought I was ready or could start back up, I was left speechless. I had no idea what to say or how to put it. I felt alone, ashamed, and embarrassed. Quite frankly, I am extremely nervous to take a shot at it again. My first blog post I titled, “Takin’ A Shot” and I have learned that we might take a shot at something over and over and over again. And that is OK! We are not designed to get things right on our first try; we learn, we make mistakes, and we keep striving forward. 

I’ve missed this so much. Each and every day I will seek to own MY story. I will continue to share my strengths and tribulations because I have this fire in me that wants to help all people blaze their own unique trails in life.

xox,

j